i wish i had written this....
courtesy of The Reluctant Angeleno
NO ANGRY PIRATES
Starring George W Bush, Aide, Press 1-4, Toadstool, Tony Blair
Aide: Please, please…members of the Press Corps. Please be quiet. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
Dubya: Thank you Mary. Ladies and gentlemen of the Press. I come before you today to discuss a burgeoning threat against these United States. As of 11:30 am this morning, citizens of our great country were attacked maliciously by the Hammer Brothers. I have contacted our allies, Mario and Luigi. I have sent Secretary Powell to the Mushroom Kingdom to seek aid from the Princess Toadstool. I have already included the vicious Hammer Brothers as members of the Axis of Evil.
Press 1: Uh…Mr. President. The Hammer—the Hammer Brothers? From the Nintendo game?
Dubya: That is correct. We will smoke them out of their caves, and we will bring those evil doers to justice. It will not be an easy task. They have seven cities, surrounded by lava and piranha plants. They have koopa troopas which patrol endlessly. They have goombas which, if we are lucky, we can flatten.
Press 2: Sir, I don’t understand. These are fictional characters.
Dubya: Fictionable they may be, but mark my words. We will hunt them, we will find them, and we will advance to the next level. No matter how many hammers are thrown, no matter how many happy clouds toss spikey things at us, we will not fail.
Press 3: Mr. President, how are we going to pay for this?
Dubya: Their cities are filled with floating gold coins. Which we will collect. Furthermore, if we are lucky enough to go down the right pipe, we will find a secret room with more coins. And we will find weapons, fire flowers, and magical mushrooms that make us – big.
Press 4: Mushrooms, Mr. President, are you on drugs?
Dubya: Yes, I am. Some might call them drugs, but I like to think of them as glittering stars that make me invincible. I will never die. Doo doo doo doo doo (star theme).
Press 4: Is this your idea of a joke?
Dubya: If I were joking, maybe I would’a said, “Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, ‘We got a drink named after you.’ Grasshopper says, ‘You got a drink named Harold?’” But I am not joking. I am being 100% seriotivity. The counterattack has already commenced. Many lives have been lost in the pursuit of the hammer Brothers, but we have also discovered a trick to earn unlimited 1-Ups, by jumping. Repeatedly. We will remain vigilant in our attack. United we stand. (He holds up an 8-bit controller and the light gun)